“Flying Monkeys” in Narcissistic Abuse: What They Are, How They Operate, and How You Can Protect Your Peace

If you’ve ever set a boundary with a difficult person and then—out of nowhere—other people began pressuring you to back down, guilt-tripping you, or demanding that you “forgive and forget,” you’ve already met a flying monkey. This guide explains what that term means, why it matters, and how to respond in ways that are safe, clear, and self-respecting.

Gentle note: This article is educational and supportive. It is not a diagnosis, legal advice, or a substitute for therapy or crisis services. If you’re in immediate danger or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 in the U.S. or use your local emergency number.

What Is a “Flying Monkey”?

The phrase “flying monkey” comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch sends monkeys to do her bidding. In the context of narcissistic abuse, a flying monkey is any person who—knowingly or unknowingly—carries out the narcissistic person’s agenda. They might defend the narcissist, attack you, deliver messages, monitor you, pressure you to reconcile, spread smears, or enforce the narcissist’s rules.

Key parts of the definition:

• A role, not a diagnosis. “Flying monkey” describes behavior in a system, not a permanent label on a person’s character.

• The agenda is control. The narcissistic person seeks supply (attention, admiration, power) and protection of their image. Flying monkeys help achieve those aims.

• Participation varies. Some monkeys are enthusiastic enforcers; others are confused relatives, fearful employees, or well-meaning friends who don’t understand the dynamics.

Understanding this role helps you respond wisely without over-personalizing every attack or guilt trip.

How Narcissistic Systems Pull in Flying Monkeys

Narcissistic dynamics tend to center on image management and control. When a target (you) sets limits or tries to exit the dynamic, the narcissist often recruits others to:

• Apply pressure (“They’re devastated—you owe them a conversation.”)

• Collect information (“How are you? What’s going on? Are you still seeing…?”)

• Reframe reality (“You’re overreacting; they’re not that bad.”)

• Punish noncompliance (smear campaigns, threats, social exclusion)

• Enforce access (“Family is everything—you have to come for the holidays.”)

This is called triangulation: instead of speaking directly and respectfully, the narcissist uses a third party to control, coerce, or destabilize.

Why People Become Flying Monkeys (Motivations)

1. Unwitting helpers (misinformed). They only know the narcissist’s version of events (often polished and tearful) and genuinely think they’re promoting peace.

2. Fearful dependents. They rely on the narcissist for money, status, childcare, employment, or approval and fear becoming the next target.

3. Conflict-avoidant peacemakers. They hate tension and will say anything to make it stop—usually telling the target to “be the bigger person.”

4. Shared beliefs or loyalties. They share the narcissist’s worldview (e.g., rigid hierarchy, “loyalty at all costs,” image over truth) or hold positional power (senior relatives, clergy, managers) and prioritize order over care.

5. Mutual benefit. They gain access, favors, or social standing by aligning with the narcissist.

6. Similar traits. Some monkeys have their own narcissistic traits and enjoy control, gossip, or drama.

Bottom line: Flying monkeys are not always malicious masterminds. Many are captured by the story, the fear, or the benefits. Recognizing this helps you choose strategic—not reactive—responses.

Common Characteristics and Behaviors of Flying Monkeys

• Message carrying. “They said to tell you…” “If you’d just call them…”

• Smear participation. Repeating rumors, half-truths, or outright lies to damage your credibility.

• Minimizing or moralizing. “No one’s perfect.” “Family is everything.” “Forgiveness is a command.”

• Pressure to reconcile on the narcissist’s terms. Pushing for premature contact without accountability or safety.

• Boundary testing. Demanding private details, probing for weaknesses, or insisting you justify your choices.

• Surveillance and reporting. Watching your social media, asking mutuals about you, driving by, showing up “coincidentally.”

• DARVO echoes. They Deny harm, Attack your character, and Reverse Victim and Offender (you become “the problem”).

• “Concern trolling.” Feigning worry for your mental health while subtly undermining your boundaries.

• Love-bombing with strings. Gifts, favors, or help that comes with pressure to comply.

• Cycles aligned with the narcissist’s needs. Sudden waves of contact around holidays, court dates, or when the narcissist loses control elsewhere.

Signs You’re Dealing with a Flying Monkey

• Your words are quoted back to the narcissist almost verbatim, or private details surface you didn’t share widely.

• They demand you meet, reply, or explain “for closure,” often on short notice and with high emotion.

• Conversations feel like depositions, not dialogues: lots of questions, little empathy.

• They relabel your boundary as cruelty, disloyalty, disrespect, or mental instability.

• They push urgency: “Right now” / “Today” / “Before the weekend.”

• When you ask for accountability (e.g., “I’ll meet if they acknowledge X and Y”), they change the subject or accuse you of “moving the goalposts.”

• After interactions, you feel confused, guilty, small, or surveilled more than seen or supported.

If two or more of these are present—especially in patterns—you’re likely dealing with a flying monkey.

The Most Common Tactics Flying Monkeys Use

1. Triangulation. Using them as a go-between to avoid direct, respectful communication.Your counter: “Please talk to them directly. I’m not in the middle.”

2. Smear campaigns. Spreading “concern” flavored lies that position you as unstable or cruel.Your counter: Don’t launch a counter-smear; document facts, live your values, and correct only where it’s necessary and safe.

3. FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). “After all they’ve done for you…” “They’re family.”Your counter: “I’m choosing what’s healthy, not what’s habitual.”

4. Hoovering by proxy. Attempts to suck you back in via third parties (“They’ve changed; just coffee”).Your counter: Criteria first: “If they want contact, they can email an acknowledgement of X and propose concrete steps for repair.”

5. Information-gathering. Friendly check-ins that funnel back to the narcissist.Your counter: Info diet. Share little or nothing that could be weaponized.

6. Victim swapping (DARVO). You’re cast as the abuser for saying “no.”Your counter: Neutral, brief responses; don’t JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).

7. Spiritual or cultural shaming. “A good daughter/son forgives.”Your counter: “My faith/values include truth, boundaries, and safety. I’m honoring those.”

Real-World Scenarios (and How to Respond)

1) Family Group Chat

Scenario: A relative posts a sentimental photo and tags you, adding “We miss you—let’s all be together again.” You know this is a setup for pressure.Boundary response:

• “Thanks for the photo. I’m keeping family matters private and won’t discuss them here.”

• If they persist: “I won’t continue this in the group. Please respect my boundary.” (Mute or leave the chat if needed.)

2) Workplace Ally Turned Messenger

Scenario: A coworker says, “He’s really hurt; just apologize so we can move on.”Boundary response:

• “I’m open to work-related communication. Personal matters stay outside the office. Please direct any concerns to HR.”

3) Clergy/Community Leader Involvement

Scenario: A leader calls urging reconciliation “because unity.”Boundary response:

• “I appreciate your concern. Unity requires accountability and safety. I’m not available for mediated contact at this time.”

4) Co-Parenting Pressure

Scenario: “For the kids’ sake, can you just meet them tonight?”Boundary response:

• “I will communicate through our co-parenting app and follow the court order. Unscheduled contact isn’t appropriate.”

5) Holiday Extinction Burst

Scenario: Right before a holiday, multiple relatives contact you with guilt-tinged pleas.Boundary response:

• “I won’t be attending. Wishing you a good holiday.” (Repeat once if needed, then disengage.)

Boundary Principles That Work

1) No JADE.

Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. Explanations become footholds for debate.

“That won’t work for me.”“I’m not available for that.”“Please take this up directly with them.”

2) BIFF / Brief–Informative–Friendly–Firm.

Keep messages short, factual, kind, and closed.

“I’m not discussing this. I wish you well.”“Please remove me from this thread. Thank you.”

3) Gray Rock / Medium Chill.

Be boring, neutral, and consistent. Drama feeds the system; neutrality starves it.

4) Info Diet.

Share only what can’t be twisted. Ask yourself: “Would I be okay if this were repeated word-for-word?”

5) Direct-to-Source Rule.

If someone brings you messages, redirect: “That’s between you and them.” Don’t be the bridge.

6) Criteria Before Contact.

If you’re open to reconciliation, set clear, written conditions (e.g., acknowledgement of specific harms, plan for boundaries, moderated setting). No criteria, no contact.

7) Consequences You Control.

Boundaries are what you will do, not what they must do. Example: “If yelling starts, I will leave.”

Scripts You Can Use (Copy/Paste Ready)

• To the persistent messenger:“I don’t discuss my relationship with them through third parties. Please speak with them directly.”

• To the concern-trolling relative:“I hear your concern. I’m working with support and making decisions that are right for me.”

• To the guilt trip:“I appreciate the history we share. I’m choosing health over habit.”

• To the social-media DM:“I keep this private. I won’t be discussing it here.”

• To the “urgent” demand:“I don’t make relationship decisions on a deadline. I won’t be meeting.”

• To a faith-based push:“My values include truth, repair, and safety. That’s what I’m practicing.”

• To a smear you must address (limited, high-stakes):“For clarity: I’m not available for personal contact. Any necessary communication can be directed through [channel]. I won’t engage further on this.”

Digital and Practical Safety

• Tighten privacy. Two-factor authentication, strong passwords, private social settings, careful friend lists.

• Limit location sharing. Turn off auto-location on posts and photos; avoid sharing real-time locations.

• Document incidents. Save texts, emails, voicemails, screenshots. Create a dated log of interactions if harassment occurs.

• Separate channels. Use a dedicated email or co-parenting app for necessary contact; mute/limit all other access.

• Know your options. In cases of stalking or harassment, consult local law enforcement, victim services, or legal aid about protective orders and documentation standards.

What Not to Do (Even Though It’s Tempting)

• Don’t counter-smear. It keeps you in the drama. Correct facts only when necessary and safe.

• Don’t overshare to “prove” your side. Oversharing supplies the system with ammunition.

• Don’t accept surprise meetings. Ambushes are tools of control.

• Don’t confuse urgency with importance. Your timeline is valid.

• Don’t try to convert everyone. Some people are invested in the narrative. Focus on your safety and wellbeing.

When Flying Monkeys Are Family You Love

It hurts when people you care about act as enforcers. A compassionate approach can sound like:

“I love you. I can’t be in the middle. If you want a relationship with me, it needs to be separate from conversations about them.”

You’re not asking them to pick sides; you’re asking them to respect a boundary. Some will. Some won’t. Their choice gives you information about the kind of relationship that’s possible.

The Emotional Toll—and How to Care for Yourself

Being targeted by a narcissistic system (and its flying monkeys) can produce anxiety, hypervigilance, sleep problems, intrusive thoughts, depression, and isolation. That doesn’t mean you’re weak; it means the situation is heavy.

Try these supports:

• Nervous-system care. Regular sleep/wake times, meals, hydration, movement, fresh air. Two minutes of slow exhale breathing when triggered.

• Co-regulation. Time with safe people who believe you and don’t push.

• Therapy. Trauma-informed care (CBT, DBT skills, EMDR, parts-informed work) can help you regulate, set boundaries, grieve losses, and reduce reactivity.

• Community. Peer support groups (in person or moderated online) focused on boundary setting and recovery from high-control dynamics.

• Rituals of release. Writing letters you won’t send, setting up “no-contact” reminders, creating new holiday traditions.

Special Contexts

Divorce/Custody

• Keep communications Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm via approved channels.

• Avoid side conversations with mutuals; all roads lead back to court.

• Document everything. Share only child-focused information.

Workplace

• Funnel concerns to HR; keep interactions professional and documented.

• Don’t discuss personal history with colleagues who relay messages.

• Request agendas for meetings; bring a note-taker if needed.

Faith Communities

• Seek trauma-informed leaders who understand abuse dynamics.

• If leadership pressures you to reconcile without accountability, consider a respectful exit from that setting.

Adolescents/Young Adults at Home

• Create in-home boundaries (locks, private devices, minimal sharing).

• Identify safe adults outside the home (school counselors, mentors).

• Plan for incremental independence if full separation isn’t possible yet.

FAQs

Are flying monkeys always narcissists too?

No. Some share traits; many are fearful, misinformed, or conflict-avoidant. Treat it as a role people are playing, not a diagnosis.

Should I confront them?

Use a cost–benefit lens. If the person has shown respect for your boundaries in the past, a simple request (“Please don’t relay messages”) can work. If not, limit access and stop explaining.

Can flying monkeys change?

Sometimes. When narratives crack (they see inconsistency or experience harm themselves), some step back, apologize, and respect boundaries. Others double down. Notice behavior over promises.

Is going no-contact the only answer?

No. Options include limited contact, structured contact, or third-party communication only. The right choice balances safety, legal realities, culture, and your wellbeing.

What if I still love them?

Love and limits can coexist. Love without limits equals harm. Limits without love equals distance. You get to pick what protects your health.

A Quick Boundary Plan You Can Adapt

1. Goal: (e.g., Reduce triangulation; stop surprise visits; protect my mental health)

2. Rule: “I don’t discuss X with third parties.” / “No unannounced visits.” / “All co-parenting messages go through the app.”

3. Script: “Please take that up directly with them.” / “I won’t be in the middle.” / “I’m not available for that.”

4. Action if crossed: Mute or leave threads, end calls, hang up, walk away, block/mute, document.

5. Support: Who I’ll text/call after; breathing or grounding I’ll use; a small act of care I’ll do (tea, walk, music).

6. Review: What worked? What needs adjusting?

Put this in your phone so you’re not improvising under stress.

A Final Word of Validation

If you’re dealing with flying monkeys, you’re not “dramatic,” “petty,” or “vindictive.” You’re encountering a system designed to keep you in line. That you’re reading this means you’re already doing the courageous work of naming patterns and choosing health.

You’re allowed to protect your peace. You’re allowed to require accountability. You’re allowed to have holidays that don’t hurt, a home that feels safe, and relationships that can hold both care and limits.

And you don’t have to do any of it alone.

How We Can Help

At Wellness Solutions, we understand high-control family and relationship dynamics, including narcissistic abuse and triangulation. We offer trauma-informed, evidence-based care (CBT, DBT skills, EMDR, mindfulness-based and parts-informed approaches) tailored to your situation. We can help you map the system, steady your nervous system, design boundaries that fit your life, and practice the scripts that keep you safe.

We also make access to care simple. Complete our secure online intake and we’ll verify your eligibility and benefits and share the results with you before scheduling. For your convenience, we keep a card on file and only charge it after your insurance claim has processed, with transparent updates along the way. Because timely support matters, most new clients are offered an appointment within three business days of requesting one.

If you’re carrying the weight of a narcissistic system—and the flying monkeys that come with it—we’re here to stand with you while you build something saner, kinder, and yours.