Coercive Control: How to Recognize It, Why It’s Harmful, and What You Can Do to Reclaim Your Freedom
- Danielle Ellis
- Oct 3
- 10 min read
This guide is written for clients and community members who want clear, compassionate, practical information. If parts of this bring up difficult emotions, pause, breathe, drink water, and return when you’re ready. You’re not alone—and what happened to you matters.
Safety note: If you’re worried about your immediate safety or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 (U.S.) or use your local emergency number. If you suspect your devices are being monitored, use a safe phone/computer outside your home to research help.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviors used to dominate, isolate, and entrap another person. It’s not always loud or dramatic. Often it’s slow, strategic, and cumulative—a tightening net of rules, surveillance, guilt, and consequences that shrink your life until the other person’s preferences define your reality.
Coercive control can occur in intimate partnerships, families, shared housing, workplaces, faith communities, and other high-control groups. It often appears without visible violence—or surrounds episodes of violence with long stretches of manipulation that keep the victim confused, compliant, or too exhausted to resist.
A plain-language definition
Coercive control is a pattern that deprives you of autonomy—your ability to make choices about your time, body, money, relationships, beliefs, and daily life—through intimidation, isolation, monitoring, micromanagement, and manipulation. The pattern is ongoing, goal-directed, and enforced with consequences.
It’s not a one-time argument or a bad week. It’s an organizational system for your life that keeps power flowing in one direction.
What Coercive Control Is Not
Not ordinary conflict. Healthy relationships have disagreements; people negotiate and compromise. In coercive control, one person decides, the other adapts—again and again.
Not just “strong opinions.” Everyone has preferences. Coercive control enforces preferences with threats, surveillance, or punishment.
Not something you “cause.” Targets adapt to survive. Compliance is not consent; it’s a strategy under pressure.
Why Coercive Control Works (Even on Strong, Smart People)
Coercive control is effective because it uses a mix of carrots and sticks:
Love-bombing and idealization create a fast, intense bond: “I’ve never felt this close to anyone.”
Gradual boundary testing normalizes small invasions (“It’s just a password,” “It’s just one friend I don’t like”).
Gaslighting erodes your trust in your memory and perceptions.
Intermittent reinforcement (periodic kindness after cruelty) trains you to work harder for the next “good phase.”
Isolation reduces outside input that could challenge the controller’s narrative.
FOG—Fear, Obligation, Guilt—keeps you from leaving or calling the behavior by its rightful name.
This combination can trap anyone. There’s nothing wrong with you for adapting; adapting kept you safer in the moment.
How Coercive Control Shows Up (Core Characteristics)
Below are recurring features many clients recognize. You may see some more than others; patterns can vary across relationships and cultures.
1) Isolation (People, Places, Information)
Discouraging or forbidding time with friends/family; discrediting your supports (“They’re a bad influence,” “They’re jealous of us”).
Monitoring calls/texts; demanding immediate responses; punishing “late” replies.
Controlling transportation or preventing you from keeping appointments.
Policing what news, media, or spiritual guidance you consume; rewriting reality.
Impact: Your world narrows; the controller’s voice becomes the loudest (sometimes the only) voice.
2) Micromanagement of Daily Life
Rules about how to dress, cook, clean, parent, sleep, spend free time, or arrange your home—with consequences for “mistakes.”
“Testing” you to prove loyalty, purity, or dedication (photos at certain times, forced check-ins).
Impact: Chronic anxiety; you live in “performance mode,” scanning for the next rule you might break.
3) Surveillance and Technological Control
Demanding passwords; installing tracking apps; checking browser history; smart-home monitoring; car GPS; “Find My” misuse.
Covert recording; threats to leak photos or messages (“sextortion”).
Impact: Loss of privacy and self; your devices feel like informants.
4) Financial Control
Taking your paycheck; restricting access to accounts; forbidding work or education; giving “allowances” with strings.
Running up debt in your name; sabotaging your job (harassing calls, surprise drop-ins).
Impact: Economic dependence; fear of homelessness; harder to leave.
5) Emotional Manipulation
Gaslighting: “That never happened,” “You’re crazy,” “You’re too sensitive.”
DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. You become “abusive” for saying no.
Guilt, pity plays, self-harm threats: Responsibility for their feelings is placed on you.
Impact: Confusion, self-doubt, exhaustion. You start apologizing for having needs.
6) Threats, Intimidation, and “Soft” Violence
Threats to harm themselves, you, kids, pets, or property.
Driving dangerously during arguments; punching walls; blocking doorways; looming.
Legal threats (custody, defamation, “I’ll ruin you”); immigration status threats.
Impact: You comply to stay safe; your nervous system lives in high alert.
7) Reproductive and Sexual Control
Sabotaging birth control; pressuring pregnancy or abortion; withholding sex as punishment; demanding sex as proof of loyalty; filming without consent.
Impact: Violation of bodily autonomy; trauma responses during intimacy.
8) Rules for Reputation and Image
Demanding public praise and social media performance; forbidding posts or insisting on “approved” content.
Smear campaigns when you set limits (“They’re unstable,” “They’re abusive”).
Impact: You fear social consequences for asserting basic needs.
9) Post-Separation Control
Stalking; legal harassment; “flying monkeys” (third parties who pressure you to comply); weaponized co-parenting; “surprise” visits.
Impact: The relationship ends; the control attempts do not.
25+ Concrete Examples of Coercive Control (What It Looks Like in Real Life)
“Share your location at all times so I know you’re safe.” (Then there’s punishment if you turn it off.)
“Quit that job. If you loved me you’d prioritize us.”
Taking your car keys “for your own good” after fights.
Monitoring your cycle and demanding sex on certain days.
Blocking your number on your parents’ phones.
“Accidentally” overdrawing the joint account right before your tuition or therapy payment.
Logging into your email “to help” and deleting messages from friends.
Criticizing how you dress—then demanding photos before you leave the house.
“Joking” threats: “If you ever leave me, I’ll burn it all down.”
Recording your sobbing and replaying it later to humiliate you.
Posing as you on social media; changing your passwords after arguments.
Forbidding therapy or insisting you see “their” therapist only.
Demanding you cut contact with a sibling because they “disrespected” your partner.
“You don’t need birth control—we’re together.” (Then insulting you if you get pregnant or don’t.)
Daily “performance reviews” of chores or your body; weighing you; tracking calories.
Threatening to share intimate photos if you break up.
Making you late for work repeatedly; calling your boss to “check on you.”
Giving you an allowance and requiring receipts for every dollar.
Hiding your ID/immigration documents “for safekeeping.”
Demanding your phone on return home for “random checks.”
Convincing friends you’re unstable; then telling you “no one else puts up with you.”
Forcing specific religious rituals while violating the spirit of that faith (control masked as virtue).
“You can go out—but I’ll come sit at the next table to make sure no one hits on you.”
Making you block numbers in front of them; scanning your call log.
Threatening self-harm if you don’t agree to their terms.
Using children as messengers and spies; interrogating them after visits.
Demanding immediate replies; sending dozens of messages, then accusing you of cheating if you’re slow.
Insisting on attending every medical appointment and answering for you.
“You don’t need to work; I’ll handle everything”—followed by financial punishment if you disobey.
Refusing to allow solo time with your own friends or family.
Setting curfews for an adult partner; requiring check-in photos.
Trashing the house when upset and making you clean it to “earn” calm.
Filing frivolous reports (to HR, CPS, clergy) to intimidate you when you set limits.
Withholding sleep—waking you to argue, keeping lights on, blasting music.
Trapping you in rooms, blocking exits, taking doors off hinges “because you slam them.”
“Accidentally” damaging your work tools/laptop/notes the night before deadlines.
Insisting on script-like greetings, sign-offs, or affection rituals, punishing deviations.
Threatening to disclose gender identity, sexual orientation, health status, or immigration status without consent.
Forcing you to quit school; tearing up applications.
Demanding itemized diaries of your day (“every 15 minutes, where were you, who was there?”).
If you saw your life in this list: your reactions—fear, numbness, confusion, people-pleasing—were valid survival strategies. They do not define your future.
Early Red Flags (Often Overlooked)
Speed and intensity. “Soulmate” claims within days; pressuring exclusivity or living together quickly.
Boundary testing disguised as romance. “Let me fix your resume,” “I’ll manage your budget,” “Share locations so I can keep you safe.”
All-or-nothing stories. Everyone else is “toxic”; you are the only one who “gets” them.
Inconsistent backstory. Shifting facts, different versions to different people.
You’re apologizing more and laughing less. Your world gets smaller while theirs expands.
The Impact on Mental and Physical Health
Hypervigilance: scanning for danger; trouble sleeping; startle response.
Anxiety and depression: shame, hopelessness, panic.
Somatic symptoms: headaches, GI issues, chronic pain; flare-ups of existing conditions.
Cognitive fog: difficulty concentrating or making decisions; dissociation.
Trauma responses: intrusive memories, avoidance, negative shifts in self-belief (“I’m impossible,” “I cause problems”).
Social shrinkage: isolation, loss of joyful activities, feeling “unreal.”
These are normal responses to abnormal pressure. They deserve care.
Boundary Setting with a Coercive Controller: What Helps (and What Doesn’t)
A difficult truth: Boundaries won’t “fix” a controlling person who is committed to dominance. Boundaries are for you—to reduce harm, reclaim time/space, and gather enough stability to plan your next steps. Safety always comes first.
Principles
Actions, not arguments. Don’t try to persuade; do change what you control (your access, your info, your availability).
BIFF + No JADE. Keep responses Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.
Predict and plan for escalation. Controllers often increase pressure when control slips (“extinction burst”).
Documentation over debate. Save texts, emails, voicemails, screenshots. Keep a dated log of incidents.
Support network. Tell trusted people what’s happening; decide who will (and won’t) carry messages.
Scripts (adapt as needed)
Triangulation: “Please speak to me directly. I won’t respond through third parties.”
Urgency pressure: “I don’t make relationship decisions on a deadline. I’m not available for this conversation.”
Info fishing: “I’m keeping that private.”
Surprise visits: “Unscheduled drop-ins aren’t okay. I won’t open the door.”
Digital checks: “I don’t share passwords. If you continue to demand them, I’ll end the conversation.”
Yelling/Intimidation: “I don’t do conversations with yelling. I’m leaving now and will reconsider at another time.”
Then follow through: mute, block, end call, leave, involve third parties (HR, attorney) as needed.
Safety Planning (Whether You Stay, Separate, or Are Unsure)
Digital safety:
Change passwords on a device they can’t access.
Turn off location sharing; review app permissions; consider a basic “safe phone” with no shared accounts.
Assume any device they set up may be compromised.
Financial safety:
Open an account in your name at a bank they don’t use; redirect a small deposit to start.
Gather documents: IDs, birth certificates, Social Security cards, immigration papers, titles, financial statements.
Build a small emergency buffer (even $5–$20 at a time).
Physical safety:
Pack a “go bag” and keep it in a safe place (trusted friend, trunk, workplace).
Plan exit routes; keep car fueled and a spare key accessible.
Share a code word with trusted people that means “call for help.”
Social/legal safety:
Identify allies (friends, family, neighbors, clergy, HR).
Consult a legal advocate if possible (even a brief consult helps).
If children are involved, log incidents that affect their safety and routine.
After leaving:
Expect post-separation coercion: hoovering, smears, legal maneuvers.
Continue BIFF-only communication (or parallel parenting apps).
Consider protective orders if stalking/harassment occurs (varies by jurisdiction).
You don’t have to do all of this at once. Any step toward safety is progress.
Working with “Flying Monkeys”
Controllers often recruit others to carry messages, apply pressure, or collect information.
Redirect: “Please take that up directly with them.”
Limit info: Assume anything you say can be repeated.
Evaluate relationships: Kind people who respect limits can stay. Enforcers and gossips may need distance.
Don’t try to convert everyone: Your energy goes to your safety and support system.
If You’re Not Ready to Leave (or Can’t Yet)
Leaving is a process. Meanwhile:
Practice micro-boundaries: Lock your phone; keep one friend who knows the truth; use headphones during rants; take short walks.
Build small islands of joy: Music, journaling, nature, movement, pets, spiritual practices.
Track reality: Keep a private log of incidents (“date/time/what happened/how I felt”). It counters gaslighting and helps future planning.
Therapy if safe: If therapy triggers more control at home, consider telehealth from a safe location or a support group the controller doesn’t know about.
If You’ve Left and Still Feel Stuck
It’s common to question yourself after you’re out. Trauma bonds, intermittent reinforcement, and smear campaigns can pull you back.
Name the bond: You miss relief and hope, not the harm.
Replace the ritual: If evenings were texting time, make that your call-with-a-friend time.
Body-first care: Sleep, hydration, meals, movement—your nervous system needs predictability.
Therapy for integration: EMDR, CBT, DBT skills, and parts-informed work can help your brain file the past as past.
A Compassionate Reframe
You weren’t “weak.” You were strategic in a coercive system.
Your nervous system kept you safe the best way it knew how.
Boundaries are not cruelty; they are conditions for respect.
Healing is not instant; it’s doable with steady support.
Quick Reference: Boundaries & Exit Plan (One-Page Version)
Boundaries:
No JADE.
BIFF-only replies.
Info diet.
No surprise meetings.
Direct-to-source rule (no third-party messaging).
Criteria-before-contact if reconciliation is on the table.
Exit Plan:
Devices: new passwords; location off; safe phone if needed.
Documents: IDs, financials, legal papers.
Money: private account; small buffer.
Allies: list three; share code word.
Go bag: meds, keys, cash card, clothes, charger.
Log: dates, texts, voicemails, photos (stored safely).
Legal consult (if possible).
Expect post-separation tactics; stick to BIFF.
You Deserve Relationships Where You Can Breathe
Coercive control tries to convince you that life is safest inside someone else’s rules. Healthy love—romantic, familial, community—makes you more yourself, not less. It respects “no,” cherishes your friendships, celebrates your growth, and repairs when harm happens.
If this guide resonates, consider connecting with a counselor who understands high-control dynamics. You don’t have to prove anything to deserve help.
How Wellness Solutions Can Help
At Wellness Solutions, we recognize coercive control in all its forms—intimate partner relationships, families, workplaces, and faith or community settings. We offer trauma-informed, evidence-based care (CBT, DBT skills, EMDR, mindfulness-based and parts-informed approaches) focused on:
Mapping the pattern so you stop doubting yourself
Stabilizing your nervous system so decisions get easier
Designing boundaries and scripts that fit your life
Planning for safety, documentation, and post-separation strategies
Grieving losses and rebuilding identity, community, and joy
We also make access to care simple. Complete our secure online intake and we’ll verify your eligibility and benefits and share the results with you before scheduling.
We keep a card on file and only charge after your insurance claim has processed, with transparent updates along the way. Because timely support matters, most new clients are offered an appointment within three business days of requesting one.
You are not overreacting. You are waking up. And you don’t have to do the next part alone.
